FollowinGod.com » Jokes and Humor

what’s the answer?

eflowsemaj — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 11:04:43 +0000

The following riddle was written by a woman in California, USA, over 100 years ago in the late 1800’s.

God made Adam out of dust,
     But thought it best to make me first:
So I was made before the man,
     According to God’s holy plan.
My whole body God made complete,
     Without arms or hands or feet.
My ways and acts did God control,
     But in my body He placed no soul.
A living being I became,
     And Adam gave to me a name.
Then from his presence I withdrew,
     For this man Adam I never knew.All my Maker’s laws I do obey,
     And from these laws I never stray.
Thousands of me go in fear,
     But seldom on the earth appear.
Later, for a purpose God did see,
     He placed a living soul in me.
But that soul of mine God had to claim,
     And from me He took it back again.
And when this soul from me had fled,
     I was the same as when first made;
Without arms, legs, feet, or soul,
     I travel on from pole to pole.My labors are from day to night,
     And to men I once furnished light.
Thousands of people both young and old,
     Did by my death bright lights behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive;
     The Bible and its teachings I can’t believe.
The fear of death doesn’t trouble me;
     Pure happiness I will never see.
And up in Heaven I can never go,
     Nor in the grave or Hell below.
So get your Bible and read with care;
     You’ll find my name recorded there.

Think you know the answer? Text me, and I’ll let you know if you’re correct.

10 things you won’t hear at church

eflowsemaj — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 10:40:19 +0000

Things you never hear in church . . .
10. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
9. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
8. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
7. I’d like to volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Jr High Sunday School class.
6. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
3. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.
2. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
1. Pastor, we’d like to send you to a Bible Conference in the Bahamas.

about lying . . .

eflowsemaj — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 10:51:12 +0000

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,the clergyman went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute.

Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said: “Oh..All right, he won…give him the dog.”

so you like your long hair?

eflowsemaj — Wed, 05 May 2010 10:56:20 +0000

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied,”Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

¹Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” ⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4

“children ask the darndest questions…”

eflowsemaj — Sun, 02 May 2010 10:19:58 +0000

A preacher’s little boy inquired, “Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?”

The father explained, “I’m asking the Lord to give me a good sermon.”

The little boy said, “Then why doesn’t he?”

the monastery

eflowsemaj — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 10:16:46 +0000

“Two Words”
Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: “Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.”

Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” the Chief Priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. “You may say another two words Brother John.”

“Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. “Today you may say another two words.”

“I Quit.” said Brother John.

“Well…It is probably best.” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

Catholic power

eflowsemaj — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:03:25 +0000

Joke day:

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds in her local town. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned

Since Sister Mary Ann was in a hurry to see this patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m becoming Catholic.”

- author unknown

How many commandments?

eflowsemaj — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 11:32:47 +0000

John and Jane were not a very religious couple but tried their best; they only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, “John, it sure would be nice to see you and Jane here more than once a year” “I know,” replied John, “But, we’re very busy people, leading active lives but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”

“That’s great,” the minister said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”

“Yes, we sure do” John said proudly, “Jane keeps six of them and I keep the other four”.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Do not worship other gods.
2. Do not worship idols.
3. Do not misuse God’s name.
4. Keep the Sabbath holy.
5. Honor your father & mother.
6. Do not murder.
7. Do not commit adultery.
8. Do not steal.
9. Do not lie.
10. Do not covet.

Which ones are you keeping?

Run NOW!

eflowsemaj — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:26:39 +0000

One Sunday morning during service, a thousand member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying what looked like sub-machine guns. One of the men proclaimed, “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are, otherwise now is your chance to leave, run…RUN NOW!” Immediately, most of the choir fled, most deacons ran out, and most all of the congregation immediately left the building.

Out of the 1,000 there only remained around 20 “willing to give their life for Christ.”

The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said “Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. ” Then, the two men put down what people now realized were toy rifles, took out their Bibles, and sat down with the true core of the church to hear the Pastor’s message.

Three doctors go to Heaven

eflowsemaj — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:05:39 +0000

JOKE TIME:

Three doctors are returning from a conference when a truck crosses
the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with
St. Peter.

He looks at the doctors and says “Tell me why I should let you into Heaven.

” The first doctor says “I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine.”

“OK!” says St. Peter, “Welcome to Heaven.”

The second doctor looks worried and says “I never won any prize; but
I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment
at no cost.”

St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.

The third doctor smiles and says “I am responsible for setting up HMO’s
throughout the United States.”

St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says “You may enter Heaven as
well, but you can only stay 3 days.”

Ok, so not many of us are happy with healthcare. That’s why we need reform. But this blog is not about that. It’s about the fact that NONE of the above ways will get you to Heaven.

Jesus told us in John 14:6

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

We can only have eternal security in Heaven when we believe in Jesus Christ and profess Him as our Lord and Savior.

That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” – Romans 10:9-11

If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your personal Savior, please do so today. Pray to God for guidance and welcome Him into your heart and contact your pastor today to give him the good news!