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eflowsemaj — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:54:46 +0000

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth. (Ha, Ha…!)

- author unknown

The Southern 10

eflowsemaj — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 16:15:07 +0000

Here it is for y’all:

The official SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS:

1. Just one God.

2. Put nothin’ before God.

3. Watch yer mouth!

4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin’.

5. Honor yer Ma & Pa.

6. No killin’.

7. No foolin’ around with another feller’s gal (or ‘nother gal’s feller).

8. Don’t take what ain’t yorn.

9. No tellin’ tales or gossipin’.

10. Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

Now that’s plain an’ simple. And bless your little ole cotton pickin heart…

three wise firefighters

eflowsemaj — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 12:22:19 +0000

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”

on NOT going to church

eflowsemaj — Thu, 26 May 2011 11:00:59 +0000

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!”

“Why not?” asked his mother.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”

on your way to school…

eflowsemaj — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 11:59:47 +0000

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He thought he was a “big boy” and didn’t want her to walk with him. And she wanted to give him a feeling of independence, but she also wanted to know that he was safe.

When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school every morning for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldnt notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyways, it will be a good way for them to get some exercise. All week long, Shirley and her daughter followed Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.

As the two children walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s friend said, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’

Timmy replied, ‘Yes, I know who she is. That’s my mom’s friend Shirley Goodnest and her litle girl Marcy’.

‘Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?’

Well, Timmy explained, every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm, it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all days of my life.” I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

Let’s talk Commandments…

eflowsemaj — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 12:34:47 +0000

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?

eflowsemaj — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 11:44:48 +0000

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied. Continue reading →

health – a different perspective…

eflowsemaj — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 11:29:32 +0000

An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven.
The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place.
St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could, of course, eat anything and not worry about their health.
The husband quickly began partaking of the pastries and deserts.
The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there.
However, the husband began looking quite grim.
His wife inquired what the problem was.
The husband sneered, “If it weren’t for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we’d probably have been here 15 years ago!”

John 3:36 He that believes in the Son [Jesus] has everlasting life [Heaven]: and he that believes not in the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him [hell].

what’s the answer?

eflowsemaj — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 11:04:43 +0000

The following riddle was written by a woman in California, USA, over 100 years ago in the late 1800′s.

God made Adam out of dust,
     But thought it best to make me first:
So I was made before the man,
     According to God’s holy plan.
My whole body God made complete,
     Without arms or hands or feet.
My ways and acts did God control,
     But in my body He placed no soul.
A living being I became,
     And Adam gave to me a name.
Then from his presence I withdrew,
     For this man Adam I never knew.All my Maker’s laws I do obey,
     And from these laws I never stray.
Thousands of me go in fear,
     But seldom on the earth appear.
Later, for a purpose God did see,
     He placed a living soul in me.
But that soul of mine God had to claim,
     And from me He took it back again.
And when this soul from me had fled,
     I was the same as when first made;
Without arms, legs, feet, or soul,
     I travel on from pole to pole.My labors are from day to night,
     And to men I once furnished light.
Thousands of people both young and old,
     Did by my death bright lights behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive;
     The Bible and its teachings I can’t believe.
The fear of death doesn’t trouble me;
     Pure happiness I will never see.
And up in Heaven I can never go,
     Nor in the grave or Hell below.
So get your Bible and read with care;
     You’ll find my name recorded there.

Think you know the answer? Text me, and I’ll let you know if you’re correct.

10 things you won’t hear at church

eflowsemaj — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 10:40:19 +0000

Things you never hear in church . . .
10. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
9. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
8. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
7. I’d like to volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Jr High Sunday School class.
6. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
3. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.
2. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
1. Pastor, we’d like to send you to a Bible Conference in the Bahamas.